The sight of me eating at the moment is not pretty. So much so that I feel obligated to move into a room by myself while doing it.

The reason? This fucking annoying cold I cannot shake, or even, apparently, make mildly better.

That�s right, for the third entry in a row I am going to complain about my cold. But when you have a head full of snot (TM my GP), it�s really hard to focus on anything else.

Back to the disgusting eating. Essentially my nose is so blocked that I have to breathe only through my mouth. Which leads to a desperate and wholly unattractive gasping for air mid-mouthful of anything larger than a tic-tac. Actually, that�s not strictly true: I have to gasp for air when eating tic-tacs as well � they�re just easier to hide than half a Blue Bag Heath Club sandwich.

Add to that the joy of totally chapped lips from the constant mouth-breathing, and you can begin to form a view of the appealing picture that is me at the moment.

Though the cold could certainly be more unattractive. One of those colds when your nose never stops dripping and you�re wedded to a tissue and permanently red across the lower half of your face. I am currently screaming for that type of cold. It would be pleasant progress.

Because at the moment there is no dripping. Nothing is moving. Litres of mucus are instead backed up between my ears, nose and throat, not going anywhere. Pressing on my skull. Making it difficult to hear and impossible to breathe. I speak and try to concentrate through a fog of mucus.

I also bark out an occasional cough which serves to remind people I�m sick but doesn�t achieve anything else.

I�ve been main-lining orange juice and cold and flu tablets, with a little help from chocolate, and for three days, no progress.

And I am grumpy. Can you tell?

I am also afraid to sneeze. I fear that I will sneeze on the street or in a meeting and all the contents of my blocked-up head, possibly including my brain, will fire out in a giant slimy projectile covering my face and everyone in close proximity. If I were in a plastic coated room in plastic clothes there is nothing more I would like than a sneeze like that, but otherwise I am scared of the possibility.

I want a giant vacuum cleaner to clear out my head. Or a large needle to be stuck into my sinus cavities and draw out all the phlegm like syringing an ear. Or even someone peeling back the skin and scraping everything out of all tubes � though I don�t think that would have the same satisfactory feeling as having it sucked or drawn out. I am desperate, people. The steamy bathroom is not doing it for me. The frantic, face straining blowing of the nose is achieving nothing except sending me running to the mirror to make sure I�m not leaving giant snot balls sitting in my nostrils for all to see.

I want to breathe!

I want to be able to eat in public again!

Help!